Never good enough...

So, I love being single. I have no problems saying that. But, there is always a part of me that hopes that someday MY perfect man will come along. He will do what he says he is going to do. He will call when he says he is going to call. He will kiss me on my forehead. He will love my dog. He will call me names like princess, beautiful, sweet girl, sweetie etc. He will love me despite my love of "stuff" and unfinished projects in my garage. Our conversations will go on for days. Our love will be wonderful. We will work at it but it will be fun. Well, way back in August I blogged about a guy I had a connection with years before and had gotten back in contact with again. It was amazing. We were finally both single at the same time. We would talk for HOURS on the phone or via Skype. I was in Nashville packing to move back to Texas. He was living in Oklahoma City. (3 short hours from there to my house in TX). I was over the moon that I had found a great guy. When I moved back to Texas all of sudden he started being "weird" for lack of a better term. Like he was afraid. He was just out of a bad relationship. He was and I quote "DONE with all girlfriends. Done with relationships. I need a break" That was spoken in November. So, we have still talked over the last few months. Not for hours at a time like we used to but maintaining our friendship. Last night he tells me he has a girlfriend. I WAS PISSED!!! He couldn't figure out why I was pissed. I was pissed because I felt like I am NEVER good enough to date. I am NEVER good enough to be THE GIRLFRIEND. I am always the fucking friend. I yelled at him and asked him how is this possible you were so anti, girlfriend. AND why the fuck wasn't I GOOD ENOUGH to be your girlfriend? He was floored. He couldn't figure out where this was coming from. Are men that stupid? Seriously you spend 2-8 hours a DAY on the phone & Skype with someone and don't think that perhaps there are more feelings involved? I made the realization months ago that he was NOT "the one" for me. Due to some of his issues and baggage that I don't care to deal with or need to discuss here. But the sting of hearing he had a girlfriend was much more painful than I thought it would be. It made me feel like shit. Like I wasn't good enough. I don't know if I believe in marriage. I have seen too many that don't work. They stay married for the kids or because they can't afford to live alone and raise kids. They stay together out of convenience. They are not loving. They are not faithful. They are miserable. I guess I would rather be single than be stuck in something miserable. But, I still woke up in the middle of the night to watch William and Kate get married. And I cried. I woke up in the middle of the night to watch William's mom get married 30 years ago. As little girls we all dream of being princesses and finding our prince and having the fairy tale life that we read about and that Disney makes and remakes into movies ad nauseum. I think I cried because it was the fairy tale. It was a prince and princess. I still don't know if it will ever happen for me. So, I have to be happy with myself and my life and keep on keeping on. I have to remember I had made the decision months ago that he wasn't right for me. I must admit it still kinda hurts to feel like I wasn't good enough.

In a FUNK!

Not sure what is going on but I am in a big ole FUNK!
I am picking fights with people over stupid shit.
Most things just roll off my back no issues.
But lately I have decided that I am sick of certain peoples shit and will not take it anymore.
I hate it when people do something nice for you then they continue to keep reminding you what they have done for you.
I said Thank You x 100!
Not sure what else you want me to do to show appreciation but please quit throwing it back in my face. It is annoying and makes me not want to talk to you!

I am too nice. I know this. I get taken advantage of.
But I am getting to a point where people are just using me and I can not deal with it anymore.
My friends take care of me like I take care of them but I think they make and break more promises than I do.
I never promise anything I can't or am not willing to deliver. They on the other hand sometimes do.


I think I am also slightly pissed off that I am turning 40.
I don't know why this pisses me off. But I am not dealing with it very well!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

It will get better I need to think positive!
It will get better!
It will get better!
Ok I must keep repeating that!!
Have a GREAT day y'all!
XOXOOXOXOXOXO
Crabby Kate!

Im a Happy & Sturdy Girl

So, the whole wide world is obsessed with being skinny and perfect.
Why not be just be happy?
I am NOT a size 2. I will never ever be a size 2. I will never be a single digit size.

But I am happy!!

I am so sick of trying to lose weight because other people think I am over weight.
Since I was a little kid I have always heard "you would be such a pretty girl if you just lost some weight" .
I have always been a sturdy, husky, big boned, thicker kid.

I have always been told it is a bad thing to be a "bigger" girl.

I am sick of it.
I am HEALTHY. I get sick once every 3 or 4 years.

Unlike my ultra skinny friends who seem to be sick all the time with every cold, flu or bug that happens to be going around.

They don't have anything "extra" to buffer them from the crud out there nothing extra to fight back with.

I'm not saying my "extra" is the sickness fighter.

But why do doctors want pregnant ladies to have bigger babies? Because those bigger babies are healthier.

They don't get sick as often. They have a little "extra" to help them fight off all the crap & germs flying around.

I am just sick of trying to fit into the society idea of "PERFECT".
God made me a sturdy, husky, big boned, thicker woman.
People love my body.

So, if they think I am beautiful naked why can't I think I am beautiful naked?

Some days I think I am pretty.

Some days I look like shit.

EVERYONE has those days fat and skinny people.

I know how to dress to accentuate my positives.

So, I am done trying to please anyone but myself with my size.

I am happy.

I am healthy.

That is all that matters to me!!

Hope everyone gets to a point in their life where they are happy with themselves.

You can spend your entire life trying to be something you are not and never be happy.

Seems like a boring life.

Have a GREAT week.

Be happy with you!

Eat pasta, pizza or a garden full of fresh veggies. Drink some wine or have a cold beer.

ENJOY LIFE!

It is too short and tomorrow is NEVER guaranteed!

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

Kate

My Birthday....

I have a LOVE/HATE relationship with my birthday!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE my birthday!
I HATE HATE HATE that it is ALWAYS Memorial weekend.
I am always forced to do something like go to a wedding or family function instead of doing something I WANT to do for MY birthday.
Even if I can do something I want to do inviting other people along is a challenge as well since it is Memorial weekend and they too have family obligations and plans!! This year is a BIG year in birthdays for me.
It is only 6 weeks and a few days away.
May 26th! I will be 40!!
EKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK Where did my 30's go?
Why did they fly by so fast?
I wanted to have a BIG HUGE 40th birthday party this year.
Do it the weekend of May 14th. 2 weeks before the big day so people still might be willing to travel and get a weekend off before their Memorial weekend obligations. But then I got annoyed that I had to plan my own 40th birthday party.

{SIDE NOTE: This is the ONLY time I have ever wanted to be in a serious relationship because then it would be his job to plan a party for the love of his life on her big special day!}

NOT one family member has said anything like... "So, what would you like to do for your 40th birthday?" No friends. Nothing... No one... My mom and her side of the family are off the hook... My mom is dealing with MAJOR financial issues. Her brother in law has been in the hospital for the last 6 weeks or so due to a botched leg surgery from November. While in the hospital they discovered he had Stage 3 breast cancer. He has since had a double mastectomy. And about 4 leg surgeries to try to SAVE his leg. He is getting better but is lower than tits on a snake emotionally as is the rest of the family. And very understandably so.

My dad & mom2 are always great about making me feel like a total princess on my birthday but I have no desire what so ever to travel to Minnesota yet again for my birthday. Besides the last birthday I had up there about 5 years ago was the absolute worst birthday ever. We went to my dad's cabin. We went to dinner. I had to take my little brother Matt to buy cigaretts before dinner. I was just pissed. Why were my parents letting my 18 year old brother smoke and providing him with money and transportation to get the smokes... It didnt help that the much hated Russian boy was still living with them. He was a complete ass the entire weekend. Russian boy did everything he could to make the weekend shitty. It was pure hell. The icing on the cake....one of the TSA agaents at the airport STOLE my birthday tiara out of my suitcase from MSP to DFW. I was just pissed.

Last year I was in Nashville for my birthday and it was wonderful. Very low key. my mom was supposed to come to town but had a scrapbook weekend or something else to attend. So, it was just me and my Nashy families The Williams and The Lee's. They delivered above and beyond. Paul & Christa and their boys Charlie & Jack made me dinner and gave me a cake the night before my birthday. Then the night of my birthday Ryder, his wife Jess and their daughters Vivi & Bella made me dinner. Ryder played some new songs for me and sang me Happy Birthday.... If you know me at all you know how much I love Ryder's singing!! It was a perfect birthday!! The most amazing part was they had just gotten back from a trip to Atlanta and took time for my birthday even tho they were exhausted and had been gone the week before.

This year I have NO plans for my birthday! NONE! Not one! No mention has been made of the impending doom of the big 4-0! No one one wearing black and "UH-OH Kate is the BIG 40!" pins. No girls night out to see naked men shakin their junk in speedos. No back yard bbq's with cold beer, dogs, cup cakes and fun people. No men wanting to wisk me away for a weekend of drinks, fun and nakedness. No one trying to get a hold of my address book to plan a surprise of epic proportion even if it is juts having everyone bombard me with cards and emails. Yes, I realize it is still 6 weeks away but damn! I am not feeling the love. I am feeling like an after thought and that is a crappy feeling. I still might throw a party. Clearly if you want anything done you have to do it yourself. But was really hoping someone else would step up at this point. But who am I kidding. Im done worrying about turning 40. I don't feel like I am that damn old. I don't look like I am that damn old. So, I won't act like I am that damn old! Done feeling bad! On to more productive things!! Have a GREAT week!! XOXOXO Kate